Jump, jump, jump

Have you ever gotten to a place where you feel so confident and at peace about finally crossing what you believe to be the last hurdle in a long long line of hurdles that you’ve been jumping for so long, only to rise up from that sweet victory as you are bent at the waist catching your breath and breathing in the freshest breath that you have ever tasted, your lungs filling to capacity and releasing the air deeply and fully, in such satisfaction and with the motivation to take on the world, only to look up and see that there, a little further down the track is another set of hurdles?

I am sure that for each of us, the hurdles are named any variety of things, they represent whatever the recurring issue that beats us down is. They might be any number of things. Of course, it is not my only struggle but I believe that it is the root of all of my struggles and that would be- Insecurity.

The sense of being not quite good enough, sensitive to what others think and say (or don’t say) to the point of compulsive thought and anxiety, the thought pattern of things like, of course that happened (or didn’t happen) to me, why did I think that I deserved anything else? The cautious mental preparation to be disappointed or let down at any time, believing that other’s desires, likes, and dislikes are more important than mine. The willingness to always put myself on the back burner, the physical and emotional pain associated with advocating for myself. The anxiety and effort it takes to speak on my own behalf in a rational manner without having a defensive tone as I fear that I will be shut down or dismissed. (Yuk, I hate this picture so much, but it is such a raw and accurate representation.)

I know that I have talked about this before, more than once, but as I have been praying about what I should address this week, my answer, and confirmation remains on the subject of Insecurity.

Here is a question that circles my mind in many areas but since Insecurity has been with me the longest, the questions in this area are perhaps the loudest…

How does a person live as the Bible teaches with humility, meekness, kindness and put other’s needs first and still have a heathy self care practice, and security in who they are? I know that God did not intend for us to be doormats, but how can there be a right way and a wrong way to be a servant for Him?

If I take time for myself, which seems like a healthy thing to do, I feel selfish. If my friend, husband, coworker, family member, acquaintance wants to do something else, I give in and assure them that I don’t mind, because it seems like the kind and Christian thing to do, but sometimes I become resentful. I want to be kind and considerate and I want to be able to say no, without feeling like I have to have a convincible reason to withdraw, while feeling guilty to the point of being sick to my stomach.

Does anyone else feel this way?

I would like to say, that for me, if

I can stay with it, giving things to God is truly what gets me through and starts me on the path of small steps of learning to trust Him with everything. It seems funny the way things actually come together if I hand things off to Him, one at a time as they come to me. I don’t know if this is how it works for you, but for me, I have to mentally picture Him, of course, we do not know the face of God and when I picture Him, there is a great light billowed in white flowing fabric and two large hands reaching out, palms up, ready to receive anything that I need to give Him, no matter how big or small. I am not going to pretend that it is always easy to let go of, or that I am faithful to let go of it without trying to take it back in a few days, hours, minutes or seconds later.

When I give it and genuinely leave it, the sweetest thing happens. The things that mean so much to me, a comforting word or touch, a heartfelt expression or word of endearment, a compliment, an opportunity or a surprise from my husband to whisk me away for the day to do something that couldn’t be any more “me” if I had planned it myself, a word of encouragement and sometimes a small victory of being able to let something go instead of dwelling on it because of hurt feelings.

When I live in this place; I am at peace.I have a heart that it happy to give and help without being resentful. I feel God’s love as His light shines on me.

It is something that I have to check every day, sometimes multiple times, it means trusting God even when something unexpected crashes into my peace. It means filling my time with Godly options like listening to a sermon while I drive or a Christian self-help book. It means praying over any situation that I feel uncomfortable about.

It is reminding myself through God’s word of the love and design that He put into the creation of me. He is an extremely intentional God and He designed me with a specific purpose.

You have searched me, Lord, and You know me., You discern my going out and my lying down; You are familiar with all my ways., You hem me in behind and before, and You lay your hand upon me., If I go up to the heavens, You are there; if I make my bed in the depths, you are there., even there your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast.

For you created my inmost being; You knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise You because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

Psalm 139: 1, 3, 5, 8, 10, 13and 14

I will greatly rejoice in the Lord, My soul shall be joyful in my God; For He has clothed me with the garments of salvation, He has covered me with the robe of righteousness, As a bridegroom decks himself with ornaments, And as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.

Isaiah 61:10

The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing.”

Zephaniah 3:17

I will continue to seek reminders of His love and security. I pray that you are able to reduce the hurdles in your life by practicing the "hand off" of your issues with One who sees your path, and knows the answers, and more importantly loves you just as you are.

For your ways are in full view of the Lord, and He examines all your paths. Proverbs 5:21

You will seek Me and find Me when you seek Me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13