But I want it my way!

There was a time, much of my life, when I wanted to know what was going to happen, when it would happen, who would be there, and if we would need a meal or not. This has served me well in my work - as I have been trusted with the planning of several events, scheduling appointments, meetings, and setting itineraries but it has put me in a place where I am not open to a last minute change or a spontaneous get together. I get agitated and stressed because I haven’t been given time to plan and to make sure that every detail is tended to.

There was a day about a year and a half ago that my husband (then boyfriend) said yes to us helping with an event that weekend at church. I didn’t really have anything set in stone for the weekend, but it was a couple of days away and I had started to make a mental list of what I wanted to get done with the time. I immediately found myself angry.

I started running things through my mind, like- well, so much for getting anything done and marked off my to do list, and also thinking- I’ve been down this road before- you say yes one time and then you get called every time there is something to do, and then the- we don’t get a lot of time together and I just want to spend time with you, and then there was the actual fear and anxiety because I was already committed and I couldn't back out of it.

And there was another (at least one) battle going on here. In my younger life, I didn’t feel like I could say no, it was something that I had worked on for quite some time and I didn’t like having the option of being able to say no, taken from me. (I would like to stop here for a sec, and say that after I cooled down, I did talk to my boyfriend about the importance and respect of checking with the other before answering for both of us.)

But the more I thought about it and prayed about it, I realized that it was a control issue. I wanted to be in charge, call the shots, make the plans, double check the details, and execute the event. As I drove and mulled over my emotions that even I thought were a bit over the top, it came to me. God’s voice couldn’t have hit me any stronger, I was trying to control my life, my situation, my relationship, my service and ministry, but I was saying that I wanted to serve God and follow His will for my life. So shouldn’t it be Him who is control of all of these things? Shouldn’t it all be His to orchestrate and lead me into opportunities that would please Him?

This was my prayer that day and many days since, not that I don’t still struggle and sometimes try to snap that control back before I remember.

Lord, please don’t let my detail oriented plans, get in the way of Your spontaneity.

This was my first step in growing a servant’s heart. And after learning to say yes to opportunities to serve and minister, I have experienced less stress and more joy.

Commit to the Lord whatever you do, and he will establish your plans. Proverbs 16:3

Have a great day!