This will likely be one of, if not the, hardest blog post that I will ever share. This post will deal with, what happens when we pray for something, and for whatever the reason, God says, “no.”
It was summer of my 30th year. I had married at 20 and had spent the last eight years on the roller coaster of an irregular cycle and the hope of becoming pregnant. This is a story that I have only shared with a couple of people and it still rips at my insides and takes me to a place that is filled with emotion and heaviness, but I hope that it reaches someone to read it.
The two years previous, I had been involved with church 6 days a week, and had joined a Christian based weight loss program that was, in a large part, the reason that I had become so close to God. Some might think that it is over the top but I literally prayed for God to lead me in all things- right down to what I should wear and where I should park my car when I went out. The stronger my relationship grew, the more my eyes opened and I could reason why “the time” for me to have a baby had not been “right” in the past.
I had started having some symptoms that I thought might be pregnancy related and it had been a couple of months since my cycle and so I was hoping and wishing and trying so hard to hold safely inside whatever might be growing (I had an early miscarriage about 4 years before) and so I wanted to do whatever I could to protect and hold on if there was a chance that a baby had been created.
I went through my Bible and I started writing down the verses with promise like- ask and you shall receive (Matt. 7:7), Delight yourselves in the Lord: and you will be given the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4) and several others that carried the same message and promise. There was a list of close to 20, if I remember correctly.
The day that I had the appointment to see the doctor and find out, I spent two hours on my face in my bedroom. I would read each verse on the list which I had highlighted in my Bible and I would read it out loud, claim it, praying and telling God that I believed His promise that He had given in the verse and then after praying for a few minutes, crying, reciting the verse, trusting, believing, I would go to the next verse and go through the same steps again.
When it was time to go the doctor, I felt confident that I knew the outcome. I was going to hear the news that I had been longing to hear, and I was going to finally become a mother.
But… that isn’t what happened.
I stepped out of the doctor’s office in a full-on daze. It couldn’t be true, there was a mistake. I had done everything right, I had trusted and believed. I made it to the car before I let the tears fall and after a couple of minutes of sobbing, I tried to control my tears and drove the ten minutes back to the house.
I felt in a fog as I went over the conversation again in my mind. It seemed impossible, but during that 10 minute drive, I went from being shocked, to disbelief, to disappointment, to rejected, to feeling targeted, being laughed at, to feeling dismissed and at the end, I was hurt and angry. I barely slammed the car into park and by the time I climbed out I was enraged and on a blinded mission. I slung open the screen door, shoved the key in the lock, slammed the door against the inside wall and went straight to my bedroom, to the very spot that I had poured my soul out that very morning.
I picked up my Bible and I flipped to each highlighted passage, and I looked at them through tear rimmed eyes and grabbed like a child with no focus and ripped pages at a time out of my Bible. I had never felt so hurt and betrayed. Something happened that day and I closed a portion of my heart for a very long time, and over the next few months would drop out of my entire list of church commitments one at a time and eventually left church altogether.
So here we are- at the corner of Brokenness and Betrayal at least that is where I landed- when God said, “No.”
And like Moses, I spent many years wandering in the wilderness.
I had times during the years of being out of church that I would attend a new church here and there, but it seemed that when my spirit would start softening again, the hurt would surface like it was new again.
Do you have any idea how many times when you start a new church, job, hairdresser, community group, or move you are faced with the question- “Do you have any kids?” There were times that I wanted to wear a t-shirt providing the information so I didn’t have to try and answer nonchalantly when I was asked which pretty much conveyed the message that I didn’t have any interest in being a mother which was so far from the truth.
Finally a few years ago, I went through another major hurt which threw me into a pit that I didn’t think I could survive, but when I looked up there was a faint light above me and I began to pray and journal and it wasn’t long before my eyes adjusted and I was able to see my surroundings. I was at the feet of Jesus.
During about a 6 month period I coasted in and out of work and other obligations but when I was at home, I was zoned in at my computer. I would type as I prayed and there was a constant stream flowing; some in questions, some statements, wonderings, poetry, and eventually praise.
I came to realizations and enlightenment during that time, and I came to a place where I asked for forgiveness and I gave forgiveness. I know that sounds very odd and maybe even disrespectful and sacrilegious to say that I forgave God. You see, God saw the big picture; He had a purpose for me not being allowed to have a child. And I had to come to the place that I dealt with all the anger, bitterness, and betrayal that I had tied up into my loss and disappointment. I am not saying that God did something wrong, I am saying that I didn’t understand it and I had to let go of it so forgiving His decision was the only way that it made sense in order for me to process and trust again.
When you go through deep waters and great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown! When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned up—the flames will not consume you. Psalm 43:2 TLB
Do I understand why God said, No?”
I don’t.
Do I still wish that I had been given a child of my own?
I do.
What brought me to a place of acceptance?
Trusting- recommitting my life to God and trusting that He was going to use my story for His good.
Do I wish that I had turned back sooner?
Yes, when I see God working through this, I feel honored and blessed, but I can’t help but wonder who else might have been touched by my story during the time that I was being selfish, bitter, and closed.
I look at others in the Bible and I see where there were several ‘less than ideal’ situations. Joseph, being tormented by his brothers and sold into slavery, Daniel being thrown into the lions’ den, Paul and Silas being imprisoned, and Jesus dying on the cross. The benefit of reading these stories in the Bible is that we can see the good that came from the bad in a matter of a few pages. When it is in our own lives, it is long, and drawn out and deep and heavy. But, when we look at it in the big picture: is not being a mother really that big of a price to pay if God lets me be part of something bigger that reaches more people and brings them closer to Him and hopefully adds to His kingdom?
For years I likely would have answered this differently, but now I feel like I am so loved and I was chosen to fill this role with a certain purpose and ministry. And when I compare it to what others have given to demonstrate their faith, it doesn’t seem like too much to ask.
You have been set apart as holy to the Lord your God, and he has chosen you from all the nations of the earth to be his own special treasure. Deuteronomy 14:2 NLT
One of the books that I read during this time of coming back was Uninvited by Lysa TerKeurst. In this book she made a statement that filled in the gaps that I was having a hard time completely filling. “There is something wonderfully sacred that happens when a girl chooses to realize that being set aside is actually God’s call for her to be set apart.” She shared this quote on Facebook with the following comment
,
“To be set aside is to be rejected.
To be set apart is to be given an assignment that requires preparation.”
When I pray now, it is different. Some may think that it is wrong or lacking in faith, because I do not typically pray asking for God to provide a certain answer.
I pray for His will in the situation and my acceptance for the outcome.
You see, I believe that God is going to do what will bring glory to Him. I don’t ask specifically for anything, but I feel that in many ways, it takes more faith to simply trust God with what He thinks is best. (If you feel that this is not how you have been moved or taught to pray, please follow what you think is right. I am only sharing my personal experience and relationship.)
In closing this post, I am in prayer for you. I am thankful for the fact that God has brought so many precious ladies who know the hurt and loss of not being able to become pregnant and give birth to a child of your own into my life. You have been such an encouragement and sense of support for me. You have confirmed over and over again that Joy is not only possible but abundant when we surrender to God and look to be used. Thank you.
Praise our God, all peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
He has preserved our lives
and kept our feet from slipping.
For You, God, tested us;
You refined us like silver.
You brought us into prison
and laid burdens on our backs.
You let people ride over our heads;
we went through fire and water,
but You brought us to a place of abundance. Psalm 66:8-12